The Power of Love Part 2

The Power of Love Part 2

 

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.............There are always coredifferences between two people, no matter how
good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those
differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and
negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the
relationship.

You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from,
who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the
differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on
them until you find a common ground that works for both.

• Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are
  getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What
  does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very
  tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course,
  Ayou don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing
  enough self-care.
• Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on
  themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn
  to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet
  their needs, the better you are going to do in love.
• Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The
  loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as
  aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they
  really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own
  depressed reality.
• Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy.
  Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a
  consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted
  far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a
  partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve.
  But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of
  inadequacy are the depression speaking.

Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk
back to it. "I'm not really being rejected, this isn't really evidence of
inadequacy. I made a mistake." Or "this isn't about me, this is something
I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn." When you reframe the
situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective
way and you can find and keep the love that you need.